Monday, November 9, 2009

Could I Make This Up? Well, Maybe.

Because our hearts are going to be gladdened a little later this week when the divine and refined S reports on her experiences at the PBR Finals, I thought it might be nice to offer you some contrasting scenes that took place in my living room last weekend. Well, maybe I made up some of them, but as Ruth Reichl recommends, never wreck a good story by sticking to the truth. Ladies and gentlemen, without further ado, I bring you snippets of conversations at the Stockyard during rounds 5 through 8 of the PBR World Finals, courtesy of Bombay Sapphire and Martini and Rossi vermouth. Oh, and don't forget the queen olives.

Stockyard Queen: I hate that Sir Patrick was ridden and I hate that that piece of s--- rode him.

Montana Barn Cat, having interrupted his viewing to repair the dog door, solicits SQ's opinion of his new door flap, conveniently created from the seat of his worn-out Wranglers. Stockyard Queen: It's a thing of beauty.

Stockyard Queen, speaking of a rider who shall remain nameless: I am going to drive to wherever he lives, slap him senseless, slap his entire family senseless, slap his dog senseless, bulldoze his house, set fire to the rubble, and sow the soil with salt.

Montana Barn Cat: That'll show 'em.

Montana Barn Cat to the Stockyard Queen, who is lying nearly prostrate on the sofa, begging for another martini: Did you hear what Leah just said?

Stockyard Queen: That she needs another martini?

Montana Barn Cat: She said she was moving her legs for him.

Stockyard Queen: Who was she talking to?

Montana Barn Cat: Kody Lostroh.

Stockyard Queen: Damn. She could have at least saved that for Elliot Jacoby.

Montana Barn Cat, having survived nearly half an hour of swearing and spitting on the part of his lovely Stockyard Queen: Why are you telling me this? You should be writing this s---I mean, these pearls of wisdom down. Where's your bull riding journal?

Stockyard Queen: It's in the other room. I reserve that for important stuff, like Challenger events in Miles City.

Montana Barn Cat, rummaging in the breakfront for a writing implement: Can't you at least keep a pen down here in case we have to make a grocery list or something?

Stockyard Queen: Do you mean to tell me you mind having to run to the grocery store 15 times every weekend to buy one thing? Oh, and don't forget the olives this trip.

(Disclaimer: I don't remember what the s---I mean, the pearls of wisdom are. I just remember MBC advising me thus, then grabbing a notebook and scrawling away on it. I bet everyone of you wish he'd just kept it to himself.)


shelia said...

Oh, you guys need to try Tanqueray gin. It's the absolute BEST! That said I can just imagine your conversationa during the second w/e of the finals.
So, Kody won. I got a laugh that his aunt and his mom commented on an article about him and thanked the hundreds of people who have helped Kody along this long road to the 2009 championships and the TITLE.
Funny, when Kody was interviewed he only thankd God--not his cute little wifey, not his mommy, not his aunties, not Josh K's family, not his sponsors!
Way to go Kody!

your_glasshouse said...

You had me rolling.

Can I come watch the PBR at your house? I'll bring my own alcohol and snacks and pie and everything!

At least you can blame alcohol for your comments :/ Some of the things I thought out loud about the Finals and the riders and their SO's, well...I was sober and have no defense. God help me if I ever attend a live event. Sometimes the filter is just faulty, ya know?

Stockyard Queen said...

Come on over, your_glasshouse. Actually, there was embarrassingly little alcohol involved, since I love martinis but I'm a total lightweight. Two will put me out like a light. Around here, MBC calls gin "witch juice" and his motto is, "We don't call it witch juice because it makes you act like Barney."

Shelia, I like Tanqueray in gin-and-tonics, but it's a little too herby for me in a martini. And I do reserve Sapphire for when I just have to have that mind-numbing 100 proof sensation. I think Tanqueray is 80 proof, as is Citadel, which I also like.

Stockyard Queen said...

BTW, your_glasshouse, you may have already seen this, but this was one of my very first posts:

It's apropos, I think.

shelia said...

For me, it's salt that makes Tanqueray taste better to me. No olives in Tanquery, but other gins seem to need them for the salt...I think. I just wish I could get hooked on cheap gin!
And, I'm like you, SQ. One-and-a-half is my limit! Two send me far away and I totally miss the party!ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!
You have to see the movie, "How About You." It's about Christmas in a retirement home and I so identify with the Vanessa Redgrave character and her martinis!

Shawk said...

I wish there had been some nice gin at the arena-- all I saw was the ubiquitous Jack Daniels and beer, which I don't especially love. Of course, I'm a hard cider girl, and there's not a lot of that to be found at bull riding events...

It would be a kick if we could party at your place during finals. I guess we could try to have a virtual party next year. ;)

Black Boots said...

well woman, you did it. I officially have no arse now, because I have laughed it off while reading this post. One of your best ever.

I am a Sapphire and tonic with a twist of lemon girl. Was a hard-core Tanqueray-er for a long time (no thanks to an old boyfriend) but made the switch when I discovered the pleasures (or is that perils?) of Sapphire. Jack and Diet is reserved for college football tailgating.

Virtual viewing would be fun--a girl's weekend at a PBR event would be better--I'm game...

shelia said...

Sorry, I have too much fun with my husband to leave him for an "all girl"party of any kind. I know, I'm wierd that way, but then I didn't find my Mr. Right until I was 43, so don't want to run off without him. Did too much of that before we met!
I'm going to have to try Sapphire and a tad of vermouth. Will let you know if I can survive 100 proof!
I have to say that it was fun to share the last 2 days of the finals in JB's hometown with a good friend (and hubby). Two years ago she and another friend came here for the last night. It's really cool watching it with people who appreciate the sport and also with people who are rooting for the same person/people!

Jay said...

Did Michael at least delouse his old Wranglers before fashioning them into a doggie-door flap? (I'd hate to see the pooches infected...)

Stockyard Queen said...

Jay, I'm embarrassed to have to tell you that since I started working this new gig, MBC has been having to do almost ALL the laundry that gets done around here. So, no, he didn't have to delouse his Wranglers. It's far more likely that mine will need delousing.