Coming Around Again

Okay, boys, bring it on! DING DING DING DING DING Here comes The Stockyard Queen’s Hoof in Mouth Award, being presented for the third time in just over a month! This time, the lucky winner is 19-year-old Reese Cates, for his stellar blog post on the PBR website. It started out innocently enough when Cates remarked that “Personally speaking, I think getting in the truck and driving from one event to another is what riding bulls is all about. . . . Flying from one place to the next and staying in one city all weekend is not rodeoing. It’s definitely easy that way—maybe more convenient—but, to me, that’s not what makes you a bull rider.”

So far, so good, though I thought what made you a bull rider was getting on bulls, not driving and sleeping for 24 hours straight. But then he had to go and say this: “And there was something that I was thinking about this weekend and it’s going to make a lot of people unhappy, but I will go out on a limb and say: Guilherme and Valdiron are great bull riders—two of the best ever—but I don’t think those Brazilians could handle being gone like that—the mentality it takes. I don’t think they could take it. It would start to bother them about being away from home. It would bother them about not being able to work out everyday. I don’t know if those guys could handle getting on that many bulls. I’ve never seen them at very many Challenger events so I don’t know if they could take it or not. You could take the top Brazilians in the world and match them up against the top Americans and let them haul all summer long and I just think the Americans would win. It’s the cowboy mentality and that’s what it takes to do it.”

Of course, my first inclination was to jump on the comments board and rip poor Reese’s head clear off, but fortunately I managed to restrain myself, and other people with better impulse control and greater reserves of kindness did point out to him two of the errors of his ways. First off, the Brazilians are already away from home, every damned day they are in this country, in a place where their native tongue isn’t spoken and the customs are totally different. Second, every one of those guys had to pay his dues to get to the Built Ford Tough Series, just like Reese is paying his, right now. Nobody pointed out something equally obvious, which is that Brazil and a stack of other Central and South American countries have cowboy traditions that go back as far or further than does ours. I’d be willing to bet good money that some of those Argentine gauchos could outride, rope, throw, and brand your average Texas cowpoke.

But I actually am willing to cut Reese a little slack because he is young. Very young. I don’t think I was that young when I was 10, to be frank. He and I also have something else in common, which I won’t elaborate on here, that makes me want to give him the benefit of the doubt. It remains to be seen whether I have to shove him out of the “young” category and over into the “young and incurably stupid” pile, and only time will tell that.

But his ignorant remarks led me to think about something my first boss said that probably helped me be a better employee than anything anyone has ever pointed out to me. She remarked that we all want to believe that our strong suit is the most important contributing factor to getting the job done successfully, and generally, it’s not. For instance—if I happen to be a morning person and I get in to work an hour early every day, then of course I think everybody ought to believe getting in early is really valuable. Which it might be sometimes, but mostly, it’s not. And by the same token, I’d want everybody to think the fact that I was so tired by the end of the day I couldn’t see straight was okay, when of course, it isn’t.

I surmise from his remarks that young Reese Cates thinks that since he’s so good at drivin’ and sleepin’, those abilities are most important to being a bull rider. Here’s a reality check: Drivin’ and sleepin’ don’t make you a cowboy or a bull rider. Being willing to drive and sleep from one event to the next doesn’t make you a damned thing, except almost certainly worn out, which I doubt will help your game much when you finally climb out of the extended cab and onto the back of a bull. And for sure you’re going to have to win a pile of money to not be broke, what with $5 gasoline on the horizon. I’m pretty damned sure those boys aren’t driving Priuses, assuming they are willing to drive something not made in ’Merica, or even Ford Escape Hybrids, for that matter.

One final observation: It might interest you, Mr. Cates, to know that when you were about seven, I went to work for a real cowboy, one who was making cowboy movies before my parents were born. I suppose some folks would argue that because he didn't cowboy much before he came to Hollywood, he wasn't a real cowboy, but nobody would dare to state he didn't become a fine horseman before he hung up his spurs. And the man had a closet full of cowboy clothes to die for. I'm talking a real clothes horse, right down to the custom, handmade Lucchese boots.

I never got to spend much time with him, though I’d see him around the place once in a while and speak to him, casually, the way you might speak to the CEO of your company if you were the low man on the security force, say. Way back in the day, he made a movie, Rancho Grande, with a little gal named Mary Lee, in which they sang a duet, “Old Cowhand from the Rio Grande.” As it happens, he wasn’t the first to sing that song in a movie—that distinction belongs to Bing Crosby, who crooned it in Rhythm on the Range. The lyrics were written by the immortal Johnny Mercer, and the second verse goes like this:

I’m an old cowhand from the Rio Grande,
And I learned to ride ’fore I learned to stand.
I’m a ridin’ fool who is up-to-date
I know ev’ry trail in the Lone Star State
Cause I ride the range in a Ford V-Eight.
Yippy-I-O-Ki-Ay.

Now, when that song was written in 1936, every real cowboy would have laughed his ass off at the suggestion that you could drive a Ford rather than ride a horse, and still claim to be a cowboy. So much for the drivin’ and sleepin’ theory of cowboyhood.

In the meantime, guys, would you just think about what you’re saying for maybe five seconds before you go shooting your mouths off, please? You’re wearing the finish off this damned trophy! At this rate, I’ll have to put these boys on the payroll to keep dragging it around for me, unless I can make the points fairy an offer he can’t refuse.

BREAKING NEWS!!!!

My dear readers, yesterday the scales fell from my eyes and for the first time in my life, I can truly see! How could I have been so stupid up until now? Since you are all astute and curious folk looking for enlightenment, I’m sure you are dying for me to share the source of my new-found knowledge with you, and how can I refuse you, who have done so much to encourage and support me?

So here goes: A loyal reader pointed out to me a comment that Tater Porter made in “8 seconds (or questions) with Tater Porter” on the PBR website: “Guilherme is having an exceptional season and one main reason is because Justin is out of the way. And, as you can tell, Justin is one of my best friends. Justin is out of the way so Guilherme’s doors are wide open.”

Truly, friends, when I read that, everything became clear to me. JUSTIN MCBRIDE HAS SUPERPOWERS! Why didn’t I figure this out before now? It’s obvious, when you think about it. After all, we all know that all Justin McBride has to do is show up to compete AND EVERYBODY ELSE STARTS FALLING OFF THEIR BULLS! Even guys who are riding 80-plus percent of the time will instantly START FALLING OFF THEIR BULLS! Just because Justin is in the house!

How does he do it? Is it enough that he casts his steely eyes upon them, or is it some sort of thought control? Does he telekinetically mess with their bull ropes or tangle the fringe on their chaps in their spurs? Does he have to slip into a phone booth to do his magic? Or is it more like what happens when I propose something to Montana Barn cat that he thinks is ridiculous, and he says to me, “Why don’t you just jump on your ROCKET CAR and get right on it?”

My life is complete now, and obviously I owe Tater a great debt. Now I can give up watching the PBR altogether, and certainly I won’t have to waste another second marking time during the THREE AND FOUR FULL WEEK stretches between events that hover like a juggernaut on the horizon. Folks, I’m proud to testify that I have been cured of my addiction, saved from my lunacy, I have seen the light, and I will never again make the mistake of thinking that any other cowboy on the planet has the slightest chance of beating Justin McBride this season.

But wait! What’s that I hear? DING DING DING Oh my, they’re wheeling in The Stockyard Queen’s Hoof in Mouth Award and presenting it to Tater Porter! And I thought he was telling me the God’s honest truth! Can it be that everybody doesn’t let their “friendship” with Justin pull his cape completely over their eyes?

Sort-of Live Blogging the Ford Best in Texas Shootout

Last night, Montana Barn Cat and I decided to set the laptop up and make notes while we watched the Ford Best in Texas Shootout in San Antonio. The result is what you see here. We can't truthfully call it "live blogging" because we didn't post as we watched, and our devoted readers should probably thank their lucky stars for that. There are not many folks who can stand to be in the same room with me while I'm watching the PBR.

It was fascinating, though, to watch a one-day event with that kind of attention. My conclusions: the bulls are still better than the boys, hands down; the judging is still just about incomprehensible, as Michael Gaffney demonstrated with his confession that he doesn't understand the "voodoo" the judges do to decide who else will get to ride when there aren't 15 qualified rides for the short-go; and it's time to inaugurate The Stockyard Queen's Hoof in Mouth Award, to be given out whenever warranted to the person or persons who make the biggest asses of themselves on the air. I bet you already know who gets the prize this week.

With those disclaimers, here is the (barely) edited transcript. Be forewarned: You may learn way more about us than you really want to know.

SQ at 6:00 We're in San Antonio! I've heard it's a neat town, and that it's the ugliest town in Texas. Anybody out there have an opinion based on experience?
SQ @ 6:05 The best of the three contenders below Marchi is riding about 62 percent of his bulls. Guilherme is riding 80 percent. And I notice that Gaffney isn't talking about Travis Briscoe being able to make a run for the title anymore.
SQ @ 6:08 Vampire is pretty! Don't you just want to scratch his head? No?
SQ @ 6:10 Barn Cat found the PBR in HD! Awesome! Justin McKee says the draft is one of the most exciting things the PBR "has came along with." They better take that cap and gown away from him. I recall that Ty Murray declined to work behind the chutes, saying he didn't want to be a "chute bitch." Does that make McKee one?
SQ @ 6:13 Bad Yeller pitches Brian Herman off into the dirt. Justin Farley hits the ground off Savage Shaker. Robson Palermo is back! Yay!
BC @ 6:15 Don't jack with Robson!
SQ @ 6:18 "A tale of two Travises" indeed! 1 in 13! And he's still 6th in the world. And he rides Grey Dog for the first qualified ride. 89.25??? Can you be serious?
Robson finally gets out of the chute and gets faceplanted.
SQ @ 6:21 Hustler was amazing.
I don't think I have ever been sicker of any commercial than John Byrne and Nancy Walters dancing in Las Vegas. I bet I have seen that ad 200 times since 2000. Mr. Byrne, grabbing your crotch is not sexy. And where did you find those outfits, some 70s vintage joint on the Strip?
Now I'm seeing an ad where a woman in a coffee house moves her laptop from one table to another and loses her wifi signal. For half a horrified second, I thought the book they handed to her through the bars was the Book of Mormon.
SQ @ 6:25 Tater Porter is taking the guys wake boarding in Orlando.
Silver Wings bucks Clayton Williams off and gets a huge bull score.
Rocky McDonald gets a qualified ride but gets stepped on. Oh, crap! He's cradling his right arm. Isn't that the hand he lost the thumb off last year?
McKinnon Wimberly gets bucked off.
Now my favorite PBR commercial--Adriano on Sticks and Stones, "one of the meanest bulls in the go-round."
SQ @ 6:33 Mike Lee on Smiley. He hauls off and slaps the bull on the head while they're still in the chute. That's no way to make friends. Smiley has a horrible trip but he still gives Frank Newsome a shot. "There's one thing about Smiley--he's mean," says Justin McBride.
Josh Koschel gets bucked off.
SQ @ 6:36 Looks like the guys are serious about preventing another Chris Shivers-type accident. Smoking Liz is trying to climb over the railings but the guys pull Dustin Hall clear out of the chute.
An ad I've never seen before: "A Gerber man lives by one rule--his own." Or, behaving like a big macho dickhead.
SQ @ 6:40 Could we please not revisit Justin McBride's ride last year on Camo at the finals? Talk about a ride scored way too high!
Nick Landerneau rides The Rookie.
SQ @ 6:44 Ben Jones and Tar Baby. Damn, that bull spins fast! No dancing for Ben, unless you count his stumbling around after he gets bucked off.
Kody Lohstroh on Who's There--he falls off and now he's praying! Maybe he's praying he won't lose his bull rope next time.
Ednei Caminhas and Full Throttle. Decent looking ride. And now he's pointing to heaven. Please, guys, cut it out. 89 points.
SQ @ 6:48 Dan Hendricks and Skat Jacket. I guess changing diapers doesn't prepare you to ride in the PBR.
Sorry, I had to split for long enough to fire up the grill. No, we haven't eaten yet. We don't eat on the clock here, especially on PBR nights.
SQ @ 6:52 What in hell is Leah Garcia wearing? She looks like she clubbed some small animal outside the arena and threw the skin on her back about three seconds ago. Actually, I think I've asked that same question about the same outfit at least twice before. At least Travis isn't praising God during the interview.
Kolt Donaldson on Full Circle. Off he goes.
Michael Gaffney: "The voodoo that they do at the office [to determine who rides in the short-go if they don't have 15 qualified rides] is beyond me and over my head."
SQ @ 6:56 Guilherme! What a ride! They can't complain he wasn't in control that whole ride. 87.5. He was robbed.
Now Justin McKee is weighing in on the fact that Marchi is consistently scored too low. Of course, he does so by suggesting that they should give him another quarter point because "he takes away from the bulls." Justin McBride says, "The judges got it right for once." Well, since he has sometimes benefited from the judges favoring him, I'm not surprised at that opinion.
Sean Willingham is 83.25 on Spotted Frog.
Dustin Elliott on Hambone--"Hambone looks like the real deal." Did to me, too. I'm going to watch that bull.
Handing off to Barn Cat @ 7:00 Ross Coleman on Political Weapon. Well, he's goin' straight. Ow, ow, ow. Mixed up rope situation--reride for sure. Yup.
BC @ 7:06 I love that bull's voice. Black Mamba tries to buck off Wiley but can't quite do it.
SQ back, having put the ribs on the grill, @ 7:10. Zack Brown goes 6.9 seconds on Fear Factor.
Ned Cross and Cool Whip. This bull needs to head on down to Burger King. What a bore. 88.75 points?????? How can this be?
Matt Bohon goes down hard off Leprechaun.
Cord McCoy overcorrects on Derringer and comes down.
Barn Cat isn't holding up his end of the blogging. Now he's claiming he never said he'd blog, he'd just "set it up." He'd climb a tree to tell a lie. He's also drunk all the wine, which makes two.
Now Barn Cat is complaining because I have glitter in my hair. That's what happens when you try on the $1 Uncle Sam hat at Target.
SQ @ 7:18 Colby Yates bucks off Red Carpet--thrown back into the chutes.
Adriano goes 1.9 seconds on Blizzard! That bull is one of my favorites. Shorty Gorham says Blizzard is overlooked because he doesn't have horns.
Foolish Pride--probably the best bull we've seen so far. What great jumps! Pistol Robinson doesn't have a chance.
Mike White comes off Rock Star toot sweet. That was one fast corner the bull turned.
SQ @ 7:22 Bryan Richardson goes flying off Nasty Mike. Gaffney has gotten skunked--none of his picks have ridden. He's shut out for the first time.
BC @ 7:23 They should call cage fighting "Cat Fighting."
SQ @ 7:23 I don't care if that guy is a Marine, cage fighting is stupid.
SQ @ 7:25 Cooper Tires Don't Give Up a Thing athlete profile. Mike Lee is slurring his words so badly I can hardly understand him. He really needs to quit. "I'm mature now, I'm a different person." I'd have to agree with that, for completely different reasons.
Ross Coleman gets tossed off El Gato and out of the short-go.
J.B. Mauney has a good trip on Wild Life. Probably is a 90 point ride.
SQ @ 7:30 After that awful wreck in Des Moines, Austin is back on Harley. Not much bull there but he gets the job done. 86.5.
They are FINALLY reporting on Kasey Hayes' injury. Speak, Leah! C5, C6, and C7 fused! Yikes! I'm betting he won't be back, period. And Rocky McDonald got stepped on in the same place as before, but he's coming back for the short-go.
SQ @ 7:35 Brian Canter gets pitched off Strip Me in short order.
Nothing makes me happier than seeing Brendon Clark getting bucked off Buckwheat. Or any other bull. I really don't like Brendon Clark, haven't since I saw how he treated Anna on "Beyond the Bull." I don't think all that pissy behavior was "taken out of context," as politicians say when they're trying to explain that they really didn't say what they so plainly did say.
Valdiron deOliveira gets an excellent ride on Mastermind.
BC: I like that bull's tail!
SQ @ 7:40 Kurt Hummer remarks that voodoo will be called upon. Maybe they can just call in the point fairy. Why pay two salaries?
L.J. Jenkins has a short trip on Vampire.
Okay, so now they are explaining that it's "computer drawn" rather than straight-up pin-the-tail-on-the-bull voodoo. Three will be picked since there were only 12 qualified rides.

On to the bull draft and the short-go! It's the first one-day event that will have the bull draft. Justin McKee is officiating. The picks are:
JB and Hot Stuff
Travis and Hot Pistol
Ednei and Lil' Slim
Ned Cross and Camo
Wiley Peterson and Red Chester--Wiley sounds drunk
Guilherme and Buckeye
Nick L and Zorro. For secret reasons, we like that bull a lot.
Mike Lee and Big Rig.
Austin and Ricky Bobby.
Valderon and Lightning McQueen. Cody Lambert is going to translate. Valderon just points to the list and Justin McKee assures Cody that he can understand that much Portuguese.
Rocky McDonald and Cowboy. McKee: How you feeling? McDonald: Good. Stockyard Queen: What is this, a Gary Cooper impersonation contest?
Sean Willingham and Bonafide.

That's it for the qualified riders. The three random draws are:
Jared Farley and Black Gold.
Dustin Hall and King Solomon.
Bryan Richardson and Jacob's Pet, the top Classic bull in the land. "Cody Lambert says that's the best bull in the pen," Mr. Richardson opines.

7:55 A short segment on the protective vest. I hereby nominate Dr. Tandy Freedman as the bravest guy at the PBR. It takes real guts to sit up there every week and hope for the best and expect, and be prepared to handle, the worst. Wiley Peterson says, "Cody Lambert changed the sport pretty good" when he brought the protective vest into the PBR. Yeah, wasn't he riding at the same time as Lane Frost? Wiki says he was, but we have to take Wiki with a grain of salt. And that vest has pockets for your snoose! What else could you ask for?

Due to a series of domestic emergencies, mostly having to do with the fact that we can't cook and watch the PBR and blog at the same time, the times posted from here on out are suspect. Our apologies, but we have to think about what we'll be doing after this event is over. Like, finally, eating. Barn Cat has been pressed into service to make salad. That's how seriously I am taking this.

SQ @ 8:05 The championship round is starting! Bryan Richardson, off Jacob's Pet in short order. JP remains unridden.
Dustin Hall: King Solomon gets rid of him and takes a run at the bullfighter. Yee-haw!
Why do they keep saying, "There's not a bad bull in the pen." Who are they trying to convince?
Jared Farley on Black Gold--just barely makes the whistle. Guess he's glad the voodoo is working.
Sean Willingham: Bonafide is a big, fat pig. Where's the Burger King truck? That bull looked like he was asleep.
Rocky is off Cowboy pretty quick. Please, Gaffney, don't say "Jump for jump."
Valderon aboard Lightning McQueen. Another sleeper. As much as I love Valderon, that was very dull.
And here it comes, from the lips of Justin McBride, the comment that Valderon is also a contender to beat Guilherme because "He doesn't understand what anybody is saying anyway." DING DING DING DING! Wheel out The Stockyard Queen's Hoof in Mouth Award. Add this trophy to your case, Justin! You need to take some of that cash you've won and go back to college. It's not just to get you a job--it's to help you become a citizen of the world, which you clearly are not.
Austin Meier: Windmilled off Ricky Bobby. A close call--not pretty. If I were Austin, I might be thinking about a different career.
Mike Lee out the back door on Big Rig. McBride: "You see him spin like he's supposed to." So I guess we're admitting that spinners always outscore jumpers. I'd just like somebody to explain WHY.
Nick L and Zorro. A very short trip. And that's why we love that bull. That and our secret reason.
Report on the Bull Teams.
Guilherme climbs into the chute! Buckeye is unridden and he's pretty. What a correction! "This is destiny," says Hummer. That was amazing, AND we see it week after week. And the crowd is booing because the score is 87.25. "The bull covered a lot of ground," says Gaffney, and that's why the judges scored him low. ********. And the rest of you who are making excuses for them, you're ******** too. "The score without a doubt is right." Uh-huh.
And what is the deal with Hummer's haircut, anyway? It's not exactly regulation Marine. He looks like he stuck his head in a lard bucket and then ran his fingers through his hair.
Wiley Peterson gets bucked off. Close don't count.
Ned Cross and Camo. One jump--that's that. It is nice that Justin McBride would like to buy him and retire him to his ranch. I guess nobody is all bad, though I wouldn't let my little girl feed an ex-PBR bull. How old is that kid now, 3? 4 tops.
Ednei and Lil' Slim. Reride? "A bull that puts his tail up in the air ain't bucking that hard," says Mr. McBride. Another lesson in bull physiology, or psychology, or something. Ednei gets a reride on Medicine Man.
Travis and Hot Pistol. He's in serious trouble at 4 seconds. I really thought he was about to get head butted. Sorry about your shirt, Travis.
J.B. is done. The bull isn't.
BC: That bull looks like a pig.
SQ: You're right. But he got the job done.
Ednei on Medicine Man. And off he goes, with the added bonus of a horn in the face.
Valderon wins! And I don't know if you noticed, but when he got spun so close to the chute, he pulled his ride back in. He totally knows where he is in space as well as on the top of the bull.

So that's the little window into our world this weekend. Hope you enjoyed at least part of it. The ribs were a little spicy, but the salad was delicious.