The Church of Mauneyology

The new season is upon us, and as you may have guessed, excitement is in short supply here at THO. A sport that once brought us joy now brings us, well, a sadly unsurprising yet positively unhinged stream of Mauney propaganda.

We begin with an early Christmas present (of coal, perhaps), as a sports marketing and PR roundup site discussed the PBR's "new" strategy.  There is some interesting information buried in there, including that the PBR "has lost its place among the conversation of emerging properties." However, the PBR's plan to get back in the conversation?  A focus on "gritty and intriguing personalities," headlined by the "quintessential swaggering cowboy J.B. Mauney, who rode through pain to win his second PBR World Championship."  Hm, the PBR's "new" strategy sounds an awful lot like their old strategy to me, just now more relentless than ever before.

And more just before Christmas, as Variety covered the PBR's upcoming "Danger on the Dirt" special, which according to them would "highlight the league’s top contenders, who are marquee names on the bull riding circuit: J.B. Mauney, Jared Allen, Jesse Byrne, Tanner Byrne and first-time world finalist Bonner Bolton." Maybe Variety just doesn't know what they're talking about, but two of those names aren't contenders in any fashion, and their definition of "marquee" seems suspect in general. Also, apparently no Brazilians are marquee names or contenders?

Then there was the PBR's own press release about the TV special, which they humbly called "extraordinary."  Interestingly, they actually came out and said it was about "key storylines," which is not a surprise, but it is quite special of them to pump up storylines they themselves created.  Speaking of pumping up, J.B. Mauney is "featured prominently in the documentary" (surprise!), is the "biggest star," and has a "gun-slinging persona." And that's just them getting warmed up!

“Danger on the Dirt” goes even deeper inside the head of a quintessential American cowboy who picks the rankest bulls, does not want your sympathy for his latest broken bone and sets sky-high personal expectations starkly contrasting a softening “everyone-gets-a-trophy” culture.

There's so much to unpack there, I don't know where to start. And that's not the worst of it.

Mauney is elite.  He’s on another level.  There’s no settling back and kicking up one’s feet to admire those trophies.  Win big today, plan to win bigger tomorrow. Following a championship, Mauney’s personal standards merely increase. He wants a few more PBR championships, preferably back to back.

J.B. Mauney's personal goals dovetail so splendidly with the PBR's, I must observe. Having already changed the entire point system to nearly guarantee the conclusion they want, who could be surprised by further engineering from the PBR?  Oh, but wait, we have to make a parting shot at Silvano Alves and his not as great storyline and lack of gun-slinging swagger:

“Having guts and toughness, wanting to slay the dragons, that attitude is imperative to this sport,” Murray said. “You gotta be that fearless gunslinger to be a great bull rider. This isn’t a businessman’s game.”

Glad we had time to squeeze that underhanded moment in, guys.

Apparently that wasn't the full quote, because it gets even better in another press release:

The essence of what J.B. [Mauney] is, is the essence of this sport--having guts, having toughness, wanting to slay the dragons. That attitude is imperative to this sport. You gotta be that fearless gunslinger to be a great bull rider. This isn’t a businessman’s game.--Ty Murray, PBR co-founder and seven-time World Champion Cowboy

Got it, J.B. Mauney is the sport, and "businessmanlike" riders are the worst.

Then the PBR had to again remind us that the "captivating" J.B. is expected to win again this year (and with the new points system tailored just to him, what a surprise that is), in a feature about his 2016 title defense. Also, apparently his "remarkable and historic come-from-behind rally" to overtake Silvano Alves was "emotionally draining for not only Mauney, but fans and fellow riders." I guess they believe that we are all as invested in J.B. Mauney as they are. And apparently J.B. Mauney's injuries are way more fascinating than everybody else's, too!

Mauney is also, it would seem, incredibly oblivious (that's the kind interpretation), because here he is singing the praises of the new points system that was designed to propel him to victory.

The way they have the point system set up now, as long as you make it count at an event you can gather a lot of points for winning rounds,” said Mauney, who explained that it is no longer about who rides the most....It’s about who wins the most.

And who determines who wins the most, my friends? Let us not forget, Lambert, Murray and Mauney all had a part in designing the new point system in the first place! And now, lookee here! The PBR, effective immediately, has given Cody Lambert, Ty Murray, Justin McBride, Luke Snyder and PBR CEO Sean Gleason the power to change (and enforce) the rules at will, starting now (and, in fact, they "will begin procedures effective immediately").

I...somehow think this will not mean increased fairness and transparency (does anyone even know who was on this thing before?). We can question the wisdom of having the guy who chooses the stock and does the draw also getting final say over rules and enforcement, not to mention the CEO being in there, but the gigantic and obvious issue here is that Gleason, Murray, and Lambert have all made it more than clear that they love J.B. Mauney and heavily favor his style of riding; I'm pretty sure that Snyder and McBride, even if they have alternate opinions, could make little headway (and according to another recent article, McBride and Lambert have a close friendship). [Late-breaking news: new rules have been unveiled, and seem fairly decent modifications, even if the underlying system remains flawed and biased.  Not to mention having the same group create, execute and enforce laws is questionable at best.]

So, having pummeled us with a nonstop stream of Mauney media, it's now fairly obvious that if Mauney falters, even with the especially-designed-for-him point system, the ECC could, at a moment's notice, change rules to prop him up or impede others. Will this happen? We shall see. I am not by nature a conspiracy theorist, but the shady way the new point system was designed, the broad powers the ECC apparently wields, and the history of flip-flopping rules do not exactly reassure.

To be clear, I'm not blaming J.B. Mauney here. He didn't make the point system, and he can't help that the PBR won't shut up about him or angling to keep him on top (especially now that he is apparently their entire marketing strategy). As I've said repeatedly, he is a talented rider, and I understand why the PBR likes him. But at this point, assuming I dare attend an event, I am fully expecting Cody Lambert or perhaps Ty Murray to leap out and offer me a free personality profile. Next thing I know, I'll be paying thousands to clear any Brazilian thetans from my aura at the Mauneyology center, and then will deliriously chant, "Dragonslayer! Dragonslayer!" while I jump off couches.

But until such time as I succumb to the brainwashing, there is a whole field of other guys that are getting ignored at best and completely screwed over at worst with this myopic Mauney-mania and endless tinkering with rules to assure an outcome. In a sport where guys get hurt and disappear for months at a time, is this focus on one rider wise? What happens when new viewers picked up from "Danger on the Dirt" tune in to see Mauney buck off, or not appear at all?  What are they supposed to care about then, since the PBR is only interested in J.B., and in a limited fashion, a few other riders? Or what happens when people who want to see a real sport and not an engineered outcome get sick of it all? I guess we'll see this season, assuming we bother to watch.

I'm Mad as Hell

Dear friends, in the weeks since Pearl de Veres posted her spot-on analysis of the PBR drug controversy, we have continued to see reports about it that have ranged from thoughtful commentary to outright rumor to completely crazy conspiracy theories that have just about made our heads spin around backward.

Despite the temptation to share the wildest (and naturally, the least trustworthy), however, I want to direct your attention to two pieces that were published in the Stephensville Empire-Tribune. The first, which appeared on August 20, describes the drug-testing process at the Thackerville event. The second, published a week later, discusses the fallout from the discovery that one of the bulls tested positive for steroids there, a full six weeks after PBR officials warned the stock contractors that they would be testing all competing bulls in Thackerville.

I am recommending these two articles to you not only because they are authoritative and comprehensive, but also, and most damning, because we have still not heard one official word in response from the PBR about this frightening mess. Let me repeat that: Not. One. Word. I have been looking at the website almost constantly since this whole thing raised its ugly head, and there has not been one word posted about it. I have even, I am sorry to state, watched PBR Now on the Real F****** Dumb TV network, hoping every week that some fan will slip past the gorgons manning the phones and ask a question, any question, on the subject. Read my lips, people: Not. One. Word.

At this point, the only people we have semi-officially heard from are being quoted in the Stephensville newspaper--the PBR's general counsel, a couple of vets involved in the testing, and Ty Murray, who could hardly get away without being questioned because he lives in the same town. None of that is a substitute for a straightforward statement from the PBR brass.

All of this is leading me toward a conclusion I am loathe to reach, one that pisses me off more than just about anything else I can think of. I really do not want to believe that the men who are running the PBR are a bunch of arrogant dudes who really believe all they have to do is lay down the law, and people will stop thinking and talking about this mess. I've got news for you boys--it ain't gonna happen.

The fans of the PBR do not work for the PBR--in fact, we could make a pretty convincing case that the PBR should be working for the fans if it wants to keep them. The people who run the PBR are not our fathers, or our husbands, and they are for damned sure not our bosses. They can't expect us to do what they tell us to just because they apparently think they are gods and we will quail for fear of being struck dead if we question their authority. We don't have to believe that they have our best interests at heart.

In fact, this ridiculous silence only suggests the opposite--they are hiding some even bigger atrocity than we have thus far supposed, or they are covering somebody's ass (possibly several somebodies, possibly several very big somebodies), or worst of all, they are trying to save their own bacon. None of these possibilities bodes well for the sport.

One article on the subject is still to come from the Stephensville Empire-Tribune. I can't say I'm looking forward to it, but it's obvious that’s the only place I can turn for factual information and analysis of the subject. I invite you all to stay tuned.

Something's Rotten in the State of Colorado?

This is a topic that is both touchy and one that has understandably not received much coverage, and I have waffled on what, if anything, to say about it; hard facts are in short supply, rumors are rampant, and the fall-out has very unpleasant possible ramifications. I am going to avoid the rumors and innuendo as much as possible, but this is a topic that is central to the continuance of our sport.

What is indisputable is that in 2007/2008, the PBR brass loudly trumpeted their new drug testing committee, and proceeded to test bulls over the season for performance enhancing drugs. This historic testing all yielded negative results. Whether this testing continued in any significant way is unclear, but there certainly was a lot less PR about it. Then came Pueblo in 2011.

I will defer to Don and Janelle Kish here, who have posted a letter on their website regarding this matter. And I quote:

As a PRCA and a PBR Stock Contractor and an ABBI Share holder and past president I am embarrassed of the recent findings from the drug testing during the PBR/ABBI Pueblo, Colorado event.

Money and notoriety has led some to a “new way of thinking” they have no regard for the safety, well being and future of the animal athlete. To think a person will cheat or try to win at any cost is alarming to say the least. That makes it a sad time to be a Stock Contractor...

We are very disappointed with the individuals that have enabled the drug use, with no regard for the time, money, effort and wisdom put towards the Bucking Bull Industry.

(See the full letter linked on the page here.)


I will also defer to the UBBI, which has unveiled a new rules in response to the unfolding drama:

UBBI Headquarters (June 15, 2011)–Due to recent developments within the bucking bull competition industry regarding the suspected use of drugs, substances and other agents believed to enhance the performance of bucking bulls, the United Bucking Bulls, Inc has added specific policy and enforcement guidelines to it’s 2011 Rule Book.

(See the full press release here).

To say that this is alarming is an understatement, for any number of reasons. I guess it was naive for any of us to expect that this could never happen, even if the "cowboy way" is supposed to be above cheating. As with any sport in which money is involved and one part of the equation is an animal who can't speak out, someone, somewhere will find a way to take shortcuts, no matter the potential harm to the animal or the industry at large. (This is why we have thoroughbreds who run very fast and have exceptionally poor feet, and the sad racking horses that have been "sored" to get a gross, exaggerated parody of what their natural gait should be.) I don't think that this is a model that any true fan of bull riding would like to see the sport follow. There are of course legitimate veterinarian-recommended reasons to use steroids and other drugs classified as "performance enhancing" on animals, but if any of the rumors are remotely true, the scale means this was not solely legitimate veterinarian-endorsed, health-related use.

The potential harm to the bucking bulls is obvious. To drug a bull into performing beyond its natural capabilities is a short-term strategy at best. And for all those dedicated to improving the genetics of bucking bulls, this can only be seen as a nightmare. Not only are there potential fertility issues with animals who have been doped regularly, there is also the issue that perhaps some of the bulls people chose to use in their breeding programs simply would not have made the cut if performance enhancing drugs had not been used. Now, obviously drugs can't make any bull into a top bull, but for any contractor trying to find the magic blend of genetics to get a good set of bulls, having to worry that a bull might have poor reproductive qualities and not be as great as advertised without performance enhancing drugs? Let the headaches begin.

Part of the reason this has been kept so quiet, I suspect, is of course that the "no publicity is bad publicity" creed doesn't pan out here. This is, quite simply, terribly bad from every possible angle. It is simply appalling that some stock contractors would basically hand extreme activists the ammunition that has the potential to take them, and the entire sport, down. And if that thought is frightening, just consider what could happen if the USDA/FDA became involved. As far as I am aware, these federal bodies make absolutely no distinction between "rodeo" cattle and food cattle. Non-food-grade drugs making their way into the food stream is a gigantic potential problem that could have far-ranging and unpleasant implications.

The testing apparently is continuing, so we will see what this means (will some bulls disappear, or buck/appear differently than before?). But it is just all so monumentally stupid, it blows my mind. I don't know if the PBR dropped the ball on testing, but it seems clear that some contractors decided to take shortcuts. Once one person starts cheating and winning, there is more incentive for others to start cheating to attempt to level the playing field. We have seen this play out in other sports, and it is horrifying to see it start in ours. Drugs are layered upon drugs to fool the testing, and each time the testing is updated, the drugs are updated. I hope the PBR manages to police this in a fair way that protects the stock contractors who want to do things the right way, and of course the bulls, who are half the equation of our sport and should be treated exceptionally well. If not, we, and the sport at large, are in big trouble.

Something is indeed rotten in the state of Colorado. Let us hope that sanity will prevail, for the sake of the bulls, contractors, cowboys, and fans of this sport.

How Low Can We Go?

I'm sure we can all recall the judging fiascoes of the past, and how we were reassured that judges would go to clinics, things would change. Well, unless the clinics consist of, "How to give bonus points to all-American dudes on the fly," and "Toss a coin to decide when hipping equals a re-ride," they don't seem to be helping. Between the total lack of clarity regarding what's a re-ride and what isn't, and of course the inconsistent scoring, frankly, it's becoming somewhat embarrassing to be a fan of this sport. That's not even getting into the infamous Lima DQ incident, and believe me, I could rant about that one for days.

But lest I get off on a days-long tangent, let's go back to Albuquerque, a place where the scoring was very, um, interesting. Stockyard Queen, Montana Barn Cat and I attended this event with several people who could be described as casual fans. They had never attended a live event and knew nothing about the current cowboys or past judging issues. Somewhere in the midst of Flight 3 on Saturday, one of these relative newcomers turned to us old hands and said, "So, I think I see how this works. If you are Brazilian, you get several fewer points for no real reason?" How frustrating, how infuriating, to have to say, "Well, er, essentially.... yes."

While the scoring has been up and down all season, unfortunately, there have been multiple weekends this year marred by extremely poor judging. Now some of this can perhaps be explained by the good old "flash" argument. I am reluctant to name specific cowboys because they don't control the scoring, but someone please tell me how L.J. Jenkins has more flash than Silvano Alves, or Ryan McConnel has more flash than Fabiano Vieira? I get it with the King of Flash, Chris Shivers, or J.B. Mauney at his best, but most riders really don't have that much magical razzle-dazzle that can explain the difference. And some of the time it is just inexplicable -- if someone flashy is running way behind the bull and having to throw repeated hail marys to get back into position, why is that worth more points that someone who sits in the middle in control and spurs to show further control? How is it that someone whose bull gives up at 6.8 seconds gets a higher score than someone whose bull gives his all for 8? How is it that riding an "unrideable" bull gives one a lower score than riding one of the "money bulls" that guys should ride? How is it that two nearly exact "hipping" incidents leads to one re-ride and one without a re-ride option? Unfortunately, the common denominator often happens to be that the guy getting a little something extra is from the good ole USA, and the one getting shorted a few points is from Brazil.

I'm not sure the slanted judging is conscious or deliberate, although there are times when one judge is lagging so far behind the others in posting a score that it is pretty suspicious. I suspect some of it is unconscious and goes back to the fact that there are a lot of great riders from Brazil right now, and they are very dedicated and very talented and simply outclassing most of the American riders. This is a state of affairs that some may not welcome -- the U.S. is the top tier of bull-riding, and suddenly, the Americans are having trouble holding their own. Sure, there have been great Brazilian riders in the past, but not this many of them performing at the top level all at once. I highly suspect this is causing consternation up top, and judging by some horrible comments on the internet, within parts of the fan base as well. The PBR may protest, "We don't mind if Brazilians win again and again, REALLY, we don't," but I'd like more show, and a lot less tell.

Are some judges feeling the pressure of the "Brazilian domination" and consciously or unconsciously responding? It raises the question: is anyone reviewing the stats and trends on the scoring by each judge, in order to keep them honest? I would like to think that this is the case, but since the PBR doesn't even see fit to tell us the judges' names, I have my doubts. I just cannot understand why the continuing judging problems do not appear to have been addressed in any meaningful way -- suspending one judge and making the judges wear uniforms is fine, but when this is not followed by making any apparent changes to the system that gave rise to the problems in the first place... this is just appeasement to the fans and is solving absolutely nothing. The PBR has had ample time to address the judging inconsistencies, but outwardly, it doesn't really appear that they have done anything substantive.

So, in an effort to add some positive ideas to my negative post, here's a few suggestions for the PBR:

1. Reveal to the fans who the judges are. I can think of very few professional sports where the judges are anonymous. So far, the only judges I know by name are ones who have been disciplined or were in the middle of a controversial call where their faces were on television. This does not give a feeling of confidence.

2. Have a greater rotation of judges. This way, if there are biases on the part of some judges, unconscious or otherwise, they will have less impact.

3. Have a time limit for when the score must be submitted. Display all the scores at once, after the last one has been submitted. Do not allow changes to scores unless there was an obvious typographical error in entry. This will make it a lot less sketchy if a score must be changed after the fact, and will avoid the scenarios where a judge scores far after the others.

4. Have some sort of review process and tracking of scoring to uncover any issues. Judges are human and they will make mistakes and have unconscious biases. However, the PBR should have a system to know about any issues, if they don't already, so they can take action and make the judging as fair as possible.

5. Stop changing the rules randomly in the midst of the season, or, at the very least, explain clearly when this is happening and why this is happening. (As in, "guess what a slap means now?," and "hipping is only hipping when we want it to be.")

Yes, judges will make mistakes. Judges will blow calls. But when you shroud not only the judges but how they make their calls in mystery, it can't be a surprise when fans are uncertain about the fairness of it all. If this sport is going to turn into one where the golden boy(s) of the moment get gifts (points and re-rides) in order to keep the Great White Hope alive, I'm not interested. If the PBR really wants to be able to crown an American for sure, they should institute an "American Champion," the highest scoring American at the World Finals, as Australia and Canada do for their natives at their finals, regardless of who gets the most points overall. At least this would be consistent within the PBR, and with a guaranteed American champ, maybe that would calm some of the people who just can't stand that the Brazilians are staying on more bulls than the Americans.

That aside, the PBR is not the WWF. I don't tune in to see a "story." I don't care if the New Mexico natives win in New Mexico, if the top 10 is all guys from Brazil or all guys from America, or if an old champion comes back to win again, or if a Touring Pro invitee takes the place by storm. I am fine with any of those things or none of those happening, as long as whatever happens, happens fairly. I care that each guy is getting the best shot possible, and that the best guy at each event is winning. When it seems like this is systematically not taking place, my interest in the sport begins to wane.

PBR, you keep telling us that you are a serious sport. Well, then, give us irreproachable judging that we can understand, judged by named individuals who are on a rotation and are held to a professional standard, and attend professional refreshers and training on a regular basis, and tell and show us that this is taking place; then we will take you seriously. A sport that wants legitimacy needs judging integrity that is clear to participants, fans, and the casual viewer. You can add all the theme songs, slo-mo and "WIRED" moments you want, but if the judging is suspect, the "flash" isn't going to distract for long. Your choice, PBR. I hope you make the right one and do so loud and clear. Soon.

The Powers That Be Speak--Not!

Folks, all of you need to go on over to Kris D's blog and read the response she got from a member of the PBR board about her petition to reinstate Justin McKee. It might be time to start boycotting the sponsors.

Bring Back Justin McKee

Here’s a news flash I’m sure you don’t give a damn about: Early as it is in the academic year, the scholars of this world are working their fingers to the bone, and consequently, so am I. In the three seconds I have to myself every day, I ponder their absolutely astounding productivity with amazement, awe, and not a little fear, because it means I, too, will be working like a Trojan for the foreseeable future. Trust me, I am not complaining—too many people are out of work for me to ever feel anything less than hugely grateful that I’m as busy as I am. Scholars of the world, call on me! I will not let you down.

A side effect of all this, however, is that I haven’t really carved out time to comment on developments in the PBR for a while. In many cases, this is good, because it means I don’t snark off about every little bit of information that strikes me the wrong way, right out of the chute.

Contrary to what you might think, I am not somebody who likes being pissed off all the time. I’m just not. For one thing, it can’t possibly be good for me physically to constantly be all amped up on adrenaline and pawing the ground like an angry, er, bull. For another, if you let things sit for a bit, you usually find out they aren’t nearly as hair-raising as you first thought. But an announcement on the PBR website last week pretty much put me into orbit, and since I haven’t landed yet, I’m going to have to speak up.

And you all know what’s coming, don’t you? What on earth were the head honchos at the PBR thinking when they fired Justin McKee?

In the years that we have been gathering here, we have all seen changes come and go with the PBR, including a lot of stuff that hasn’t stuck to the wall and some that has. But this one is so out of left field, so completely counter-intuitive, that as Ruby is wont to say, I cannot even figure out which end of it to pull on.

So let’s just lay all the pieces out and take a look at them, here, before we start trying to put them together. On December 28, the PBR issued a press release with some details about the 2011 TV schedule. It extolled the virtues of the new production company, David Neal Productions, and roughly halfway down the page, it just sort of mentioned the fact that the commentators this year will be Craig Hummer, Ty Murray, Justin McBride, and J.W. Hart. Oh, and some woman named Erin who will supposedly be working with Leah Garcia. I daresay I’ll have more to say about that later.

If somebody at headquarters thought the implications of this list might go unnoticed, that person was in for a very rude awakening. It might have taken three seconds for PBR fans to discern what it meant, and then the comments board lit up like a pinball machine. The bottom line is that Michael Gaffney and Justin McKee will NOT be in the booth this year.

Now, I like Michael Gaffney well enough, as much as it’s possible to like somebody that you only see on TV every couple of weeks. He earned his stripes in the bull riding trade, and he seems like a genuinely nice guy. But NOBODY in the current lineup brings the wealth of information about the bulls to the table that McKee routinely reeled off, and NOBODY had the same, dare I say it, boyish enthusiasm for the bulls that shines out of him. When it comes to loving the bulls, and studying
up on them, the man gets up every day with his hair on fire.

What more could you possibly ask of a commentator? He filled a need in the booth that none of the rest of these guys seemed even remotely interested in, beyond the usual crap about how these are the best bulls in the world, yak yak, blah blah. McKee KNOWS WHY they are the best bulls in the world, and furthermore, he can TELL you WHY without making you wish you could tape his mouth shut. The stuff that he can reel off is absolutely astounding. I have learned more about the sport from Justin McKee than I have learned from ALL the rest of the commentators combined.

Just let me say here that I know for an absolute fact that it was not McKee's decision to leave the PBR, because the man told me so himself two days ago. Yes, I did email him at McKeeRanch.com, and he was kind enough to reply to somebody he'd never heard of.

It is often fascinating to watch the machinations of private organizations, precisely because such outfits are not obliged to be transparent. I don’t know whether this decision was made by some outside consultant, by some insider who has had it in for McKee for a while (and believe me, that shit happens everywhere, most frequently, in my experience, in companies that describe themselves as “families”), or by Jeffrey Pollack himself. But I am weighing in here, and I hope to hell somebody will hear me AND every other fan who has been wanting to lose his/her shoes in the PBR board’s collectives asses since this was announced.

This decision is a huge mistake.

Bring back Justin McKee.

I Hope the Rest of the Week Goes Better Than It's Starting Off

Gentle readers, I am so bummed. Yesterday morning, our cable box suddenly developed a hiccup. First, it had no audio, then it had neither audio nor video, then finally (after I'd spent a half hour on the phone with a cable company tech), it had both audio and video for about 30 seconds, at which point it would considerately turn itself off.

So here we are, stranded in a high country snowstorm with no television. We missed the ongoing sagas of the PBR and Breaking Bad, and the season finale of Big Love, and since the cable company can't get anybody out here to fix the box before tomorrow morning, we will also miss 24 tonight. This is no way to start off the week.

Please, please take pity on me and enlighten me. I know that Ryan Dirteater broke his leg, but what happened on Sunday night? I can always look at the results on the PBR website, but they can't possibly tell me as much as you can. Throw me a line, please!

Some Days It Just Doesn’t Pay to Get Out of Bed

If I had a weak moment and told you all how I managed to miss the last 15 minutes of Versus’ coverage of the Express Classic in Oklahoma City, you would all cover your eyes and then run screaming from my presence, as you rightly should do when face-to-face with one of the lamest human beings alive. To make matters worse, that little screw-up was the middle of a series of about five or six that plagued me all day long on Sunday. Mind you, nothing got hurt (but my feelings), nothing got broken (but my pride), and I suppose that all’s well that ends well. But if I’d known when I got out of bed what was coming, I swear to you I would have just pulled the covers back up over my head and hoped for better times come Monday morning.

Consequently, I was pretty stunned when I raced upstairs to the computer and learned that Ednei Caminhas won the event and Luke Snyder came in second. Those are exactly the two guys I would never have picked to finish in the top ten, let alone in the one and two spots. I was really happy to see that Ryan Dirteater came in third, but that good news also upset me further, since when I lost my Versus connection, he was in ninth and yet to ride in the short-go.

So if any of you would like to take pity on me and enlighten me as to the relative merits of those three rides, I will be eternally grateful. In the meantime, I am going to slink off to lick my wounds, and remind myself that today is another day.

Taking Stock

The Stockyard Queen is walking the battlefield—picture George C. Scott in Patton, blithely strolling past the burned bodies and intoning, “War. God help me, but I love it so.” Well, the Stockyard Queen loves the war between the boys and the bulls, but she just can’t be quite that blasé about the mess we had this past weekend in Grand Rapids, Michigan. Let’s survey the ruined landscape and see what’s what:

1) The brilliant, acerbic, and wickedly funny Jean, one of my most devoted readers and avid PBR fans, LEFT THE ROOM on Saturday during the broadcast, unable any longer to stomach any more of the endless worship of Justin McBride that Craig Hummer, Justin McKee, and Ty Murray spewed as McBride approached the $5 million mark in career winnings.

2) William, her compatriot, TURNED OFF THE SOUND and read a book while watching the rest of the show.

3) Guilherme Marchi BROKE A RECORD FOR THE NUMBER OF RIDES IN A SINGLE SEASON and was acknowledged with barely a languidly raised hand.

4) You heard it here first, folks—I predicted this would happen a week ago and it’s obvious now that I AM PSYCHIC. Justin McBride FELL OFF HIS BULL at 7.9 seconds in the Xantrex Instanta-Shot Grudge Match and STILL GOT A SCORE. Ty Murray even stooped to say that Justin cheated fate (or the judges cheated everybody) that time. I have to confess, though, that I didn’t expect to see it happen so soon. Maybe I should challenge superhero McBride to a contest. He can try to overcome me with his super powers, and I will defeat him by predicting what he plans to do and cleaning his clock first.

4) The divine Shannon, a fairly recent convert to the PBR, is so tired of the hosannas in Justin’s honor that she posted a pointed, though also pointedly polite, objection to all the hoopla on Keith Cartwright’s blog. She also fast-forwarded through her recording of the broadcast on Sunday, so at least she didn’t have to hear most of the blather.

5) William posted an eloquent discussion of the injustice of it all on his blog. He is advocating a move to the PRCA, which I’m not prepared to do yet, for reasons that are even dumber than my usual ones.

6) Several of us who did manage to stick the broadcast out without tossing our cookies are now worried stiff that Guilherme is in a slump and may lose the world title to Valdiron or even J.B. Mauney.

7) Reese Cates, poor thing, was robbed of his first BFTS win when Mauney got a 93 in the last ride of the night and collected the big check. A 93! What is the world coming to when you can get a 93 while your ass is hanging off the side of the bull? Oh, excuse me, I seem to recall a similar atrocity a few years back at the finals involving—wait a minute—it’s coming to me—Justin McBride! I guess I should be glad that Mauney managed to ride so we were spared the sight of him throwing stuff and kicking the walls as he stormed back to the locker room, but I feel bad for Reese. And you all know Reese hasn’t always been in my good graces.

8) Worst of all, every time McBride climbs into the chute now, I find myself hoping he’ll get face planted instantly. This might not seem like news to any of you, because you all know I nearly always root for the bulls, but the fact is, up until Saturday night, the list of boys I can’t stand to see ride has been short (actually there’s only one on it, and he’s in the “for his own good” column), and that rider was not McBride. I don’t want to start feeling like that about any rider, or at least not about any more riders. It’s not good for me, but furthermore, it’s not good for the sport when folks start to feel like the judges are favoring one rider over all the others, particularly when one of the un-favored is riding better than 70 percent of his bulls, and start hoping for bad outcomes as a result.

It’s clear, though, that if Justin McBride doesn’t just flat-out FALL OFF at, oh, say, 7 seconds or less, he’s going to get a score, even if the bull ambles out to Flint’s barrel and back. On second thought, make that 6 seconds. I’m wondering if he wouldn’t have gotten a score on Stick and Stones, that bull in the PBR commercial who stalls in the chute, finally comes out and looks around, and then goes right back in, with Adriano along for the trip.

I guess in hindsight, we should have expected the weekend to start off like it did, since the most recent issue of PBR magazine features a long-ass story in which Ty Murray and Cody Lambert compare notes about how great Justin McBride is. When the PBR posted a news release about how McBride was getting close to the $5 million mark, we should have known we would hear about it till we wanted to stick our fingers in our ears and sing, “LA LA LA LA LA!” at the top of our lungs. But I am still dumbfounded by how long the praising and backslapping and genuflecting went on. It really only stopped (and most probably only temporarily) when Homer Simpson (oh, the irony!) definitively threw McBride during his last ride of the second round, which Justin McKee described as going “from the penthouse to the outhouse” in a single day.

The only good news about any of this is that it's pretty much statistically impossible for McBride to take a third world title this year, unless the unthinkable happens and Marchi falls off every single bull for the rest of the season, and McBride rides everything he climbs aboard. Oh, I guess we don't have to worry about the latter because obviously he's going to get a score regardless, but we do have to worry about Marchi, who hasn't looked very good since at least the World Cup in Chihuahua.

I hope that I haven’t already reached the point that SoCal Jay was predicting for me a few weeks ago, when he observed that when we wide-eyed rookies start to follow any sport, we are breathlessly willing to watch anything so we can learn all about it. In the end, we are worn-out and jaded, turning the tv off because “they’re playing like pussies,” as he says of Southern California University’s football team. But I may have gotten to the point where I can’t listen to the commentators anymore, which will result in at least one casualty—The Stockyard Queen’s Hoof in Mouth Award. I just don’t know how much more of this crap I can take, and clearly, I’m not alone.

Busted, Disgusted, and (We) Can’t be Trusted

We have a confession to make, and it’s about as embarrassing as anything we’ve divulged to our loyal readers. So here goes: We totally missed the Shoot-out in Paso Robles this weekend. When I tell you why, you may decide you want nothing further to do with our lame asses. All I can do is hang my head in shame and beg for forgiveness.

It all started, as have some of our least auspicious adventures, when Montana Barn Cat loaded up Xena with a bunch of dried-up paint cans and a dead tree and headed to the dump. Now, for about the first year we lived here, we could take our detritus to a landfill in town, which weirdly overlooks a subdivision full of houses with million-plus-dollar price tags, but I guess the folks who live out there got tired of having dirty stinky dump trucks rumble past and of fighting off the approximately one bazillion seagulls who lived up there, snacking on trash, and they decided to throw their weight around.

The upshot is that the city closed that landfill and directed us to take whatever we couldn’t foist off on the garbage men to a dump way west of here. Fortunately, it is located right on the interstate, so even though it’s roughly 20 miles away, you only need about 15 minutes at the state-mandated speed limit of 75 miles per hour and one left turn to rid yourself of all the crap that’s been crowding the car out of the garage for the past year. Xena in particular was pleased to participate in this exploit, since it means she now has a roof over her head. Considering that three weeks ago we had a record-breaking thunderstorm pass through, with winds topping 60 miles per hour and golf-sized hail, that’s an outcome worthy of applause.

So Barn Cat headed out and I settled down to watch Unbreakable, a very underappreciated flick, on the tube. Finally it occurred to me that it was taking him unusually long to get back, even if he’d had to carry those thousand paint cans out of the truck one at a time. Then he suddenly stumbled in, ranting and raving, and that’s when the trouble started.

Seems he’d found an old house that he thought would be perfect for us to buy and rehabilitate. Some of you may not know that we are addicted to rehabbing old houses—between us, we’ve worked on about five, including a joint effort on a 1904 Craftsman in the Garvanza district of Los Angeles that very nearly did us in. It’s been more than 10 years and I still can’t look a putty knife in the face. The only good news was that the paint in that house wasn’t lead-based, since I spent the better part of three years scraping it off the woodwork. It’s fortunate that whoever decided to “colonialize” that house is dead, because I’d still like to slap him/her into next week.

But though we curbed our lust for broken-down old houses that take every dime and spare minute we’ve got when we moved to Bozeman, we aren’t cured, not by a long shot. I can’t even claim that Barn Cat was entirely at fault, because what happened the second he roared in here telling me all about his find? Did I maturely counsel him to sit down and breathe deeply? Did I point out to him all the potential pitfalls to his proposal? Did I just keep my mouth shut and take a big swig of Jack Daniels and wait for him to come to his senses? NO! I immediately jumped into Xena’s passenger seat and demanded that he drive me out to the scene of the crime, so I could assess the situation personally.

By the time we got back, the Shoot-0ut was long over, and I regret to state that since ESPN2, unlike Versus, apparently doesn’t run their programs over and over and over, the Paso Robles event most likely is lost to us forever. We literally didn’t remember till we closed the front door behind us again that we’d been sitting on the edges of our seats for more than a week, slobbering in anticipation for it. I have never felt like less of a devoted PBR fan than I did in that moment.

I’m feeling a little better now, but that’s mostly because SoCal Jay has come to my rescue with a report on the coverage of the Shoot-out that I’ll post here in just a few hours. For some reason, the whole experience reminds me of how much grace Michael Phelps showed this past week when he opted to take part in three relay races at the Olympics, even though that meant he was handing control of whether he would reach his goal of eight gold medals to his teammates. I can only be grateful that yet again, one of my friends has saved my bacon, and I can only hope that the rest of you will forgive us for letting one addiction trump another.

Don't Take Me Back to Tulsa

If you have dropped by here at all in the past six weeks, you know that the Stockyard Queen and Montana Barn Cat have been suffering mightily because of the dearth of televised PBR events. You probably also know that the event in Tulsa took place July 18-20, but the broadcast was delayed till Saturday, August 2, while Versus covered the Tour de France ad nauseam. Honestly, it was so wall-to-wall that I’m surprised we didn’t get to see the riders peeing into little cups, which is where the real action in that sporting event takes place.

And you might even know that the Stockyard Queen begged her most loyal readers not to talk about the results of the Tulsa and Edmonton events, so she might have the pleasure of seeing them for herself. You have all behaved admirably—I could not have asked for more.

Now, some people think that anytime you anticipate (maybe “salivate for” is a better description) anything for too long, you’re headed for a letdown. Probably I should have taken that into account, but nothing could have prepared me for how profoundly disappointed I was with the coverage of the Express Classic Presented by Creek Nation Casino last Saturday night.

The program departed completely from the usual PBR offering. The footage was severely edited—we didn’t see anything like all the riders—and the commentators talked about each ride like it was something that happened, well, two weeks ago. Which obviously it did, but after waiting for six weeks to see any bull riding, knowing full well that anytime I wanted, I could find out what had happened, and abstaining from doing so, I was terribly distressed to see the gate open for Mike White’s ride on Troubadour and to hear Justin McKee say, “This was one of the greatest rides in PBR history.”

Thanks, Justin. Thank you so much. But I really can’t single Justin out—all of the commentators were doing it. And frankly I can’t fault any of the rest of them either, since it became abundantly clear that they were sort of chagrined by it as well. I swear they sounded like they were all sitting in a hot tub at Club Med, drinking pina coladas and watching the footage and once in a while saying, “Oh, yeah, here’s that great ride again! Watch him make this correction!” At one point, there was footage of J.W. Hart behind the chutes and McKee remarked, “Hey, J.W., how can you be there and here at the same time?” “I’m multitalented,” J.W. intoned.

Well, I’ve got news for you boys—the coverage was BORING, which is the one thing I’d never expect to experience, watching the PBR. It was BORING despite the fact that PBR livestock director Cody Lambert said, “Since we’ve started the PBR, we’ve had three performances like that.” It was BORING, no matter how much McKee and J.W. harped about what a great event it had been.

How BORING was it? I got up about half an hour into it and cooked a five-course dinner and lit candles and put on my French maid outfit. Well, actually, that’s a lie, but the fact of the matter is, I could have, and probably I should have, instead of sitting there getting more and more pissed off as the boys rambled on like they were all comatose, except for when they just had to tell me what happened before the ride even got started. At least I would have been doing something useful instead of throwing two hours of my life away. It was exactly like saving yourself for marriage and then, after the big event, wondering why you bothered.

Obviously, the PBR is only one outfit that’s covered on Versus, and I suspect that Versus has longstanding arrangements to cover the Stanley Cup, and the Tour de France, but please, guys, don’t do this to me ever again. Frankly I’d rather go without than have to suffer through anything so dull. If I want to bore myself silly, I’ll just go read the tax code or clip coupons or something. That would have been a better investment.

Baby, if you've ever wondered . . . .

The first sign of trouble came a week ago Thursday night, when I fast-forwarded through the listings on Versus to find out if the PBR Cincinnati Invitational scheduled for November 30 through December 2 was going to be televised. I came up empty--a real bummer. I'd been without any PBR action since the World Finals ended in early November and I was starting to get panicky. Maybe that frustration is why I immediately assumed that the broadcast wasn't available in our viewing area, which set me off on a rant that Barn Cat really, really wanted to escape.

But come on--we are in the heart of rodeo country here. If the PBR can't be bothered to broadcast to us, who are they broadcasting to? Who could possibly be more important? And believe me, this has happened before, thought Versus is less guilty of it than Fox has been on the few occasions they cover the PBR.

As the weekend lumbered on, however, it became increasingly evident that something had gone awry. The definitive clue came at various points on Saturday and Sunday, when Versus rebroadcast the 2007 PBR event at Nampa, Idaho. (Weirdly, the event in Nampa is one we are going to try to attend next summer, because it's one of a handful within driving distance. If I'd seen it in person, I might have been less bored by the prospect of watching it all over again--but then again, no. Once you've seen it, you've seen it.)

So, finally convinced that I needed to check the situation out more carefully, I saddled up and trotted over to the PBR website, and what did I find? A press release dated November 26 that started off thusly: "The Professional Bull Riders, Inc. (PBR) announced today that the Cincinnati Invitational has been rescheduled to September 2008 at the U.S. Bank Arena. The event originally was scheduled for this Friday and Saturday, November 30 & December 1."

Excuse me? They cancelled the event on the 26th, less than a week before it was scheduled to take place? Granted, the tickets will be honored at the new-and-improved invitational in September, and refunds are available for those unable (or unwilling) to attend then, but still!

The press release continued: " 'As we worked to expand the 2008 Built Ford Tough Series schedule to thirty-four total events, I scheduled the Cincinnnati event to occur shortly after the completion of the 2007 PBR World Finals with the expectation that all riders, staff and other production elements would be ready to go,' explained PBR CEO Randy Bernard. 'Over the years, PBR events have become more complex and we were just not able to get the set design and production elements up to the standards we expect. We have a large and loyal fan base in the Cincinnati area, and rather than proceeding with an incomplete show, we felt it was in the best interest of those many fans that we reschedule this event to later in the season.' "

I'd give something to know what "set design and production elements" were at issue here. Did somebody misplace the flame-spewing bull heads? Did somebody leave the gasoline can and his NASCAR Bic lighter behind in Las Vegas? Did Flint forget his Johnsville Braut bazooka? What exactly are we talking about? I'm not really sure I would be happy with any explanation, simply because the date the event was cancelled was so close to the time when the lights were supposed to go out and somebody was supposed to strike a match, but I would certainly be more sympathetic if it were a matter of too many injuries or even bad weather.

So here we are, a week past all this drama, and I'm still not over it. It's going to be a long, dull slog to the end of the year, when we can finally tune in for some live bucking action.

Barn Cat, who is by definition reasonable, pointed out that at least one other possibility lurks, which is that my fine local cable company may just not have gotten its scheduling updated in time to save me all this angst. I daresay the folks at Versus were among the first to know there was a problem, so maybe they did instantly get on the horn with the cable providers. Perhaps the miscommunication lies closer to home. But as far as I know, there was no announcement of the cancellation anywhere besides the PBR website, though it's certainly possible Versus ran something that I just didn't see.

Let's be truthful--the only time I tune in to Versus is to watch the PBR. I have better things to do than to watch endless hours of boys shooting birds and deer and wrestling with catfish. (Barn Cat would probably say that Ina Garten and "Sex and the City" reruns are no improvement, but different strokes for different folks.) I don't have any objections to hunting and fishing provided somebody eats what gets bagged, or the fishes are released unharmed, but I also don't find it particularly relaxing to watch people blasting around in their big bass boats or stumbling through the brush behind their dogs all day. Come to think of it, watching the dogs work is the best part of that gig.

So if we assume the worst--that the PBR postponed the Cincinnati Invitational at the last minute and only announced it with a press release on the website--how did they expect us to find out about it? What happens to PBR fans who don't have internet access? I daresay there are several such unwired souls still out there. Surely the folks at the PBR aren't so naive that they believed news services worldwide were going to shove everything else aside and run that press release on the front page.

But though I am in serious PBR withdrawal at this point, I have to admit that I've always thought the season is too long and too overscheduled, and that it definitely starts up again too soon after the World Finals. I have to wonder if even the most gung-ho cowboys don't feel a little bit jaded when they are expected to haul their battered behinds back aboard within a month of the all the drama in Las Vegas. And calling these events in late 2007 the start of the 2008 season is just ridiculous. I could stand it if the PBR opted to wait till January to open up the gates. If it meant the World FInals would have to be pushed further into November, so be it. They could buck in the middle of November and then the winners and the unscathed loosers would all have something to be thankful the next week.

But I do think this particular instance could have been handled a lot better. We were expecting to see some bucking, and instead got the rug pulled out from under us at the last minute. How could they not have knows at least a full week out that the event wasn't going to fly? Who's on first?