Provin' Up

Goodness, cowgirls and cowboys, here it is Thursday already, and obviously I’ve not been around the Stockyard much. Yes, it’s true, I’ve been lolling around on my satin chaise longue at my palatial estate in St. Croix, eating imported chocolates and watching Mexican soap operas and ordering my personal staff of thousands to do my bidding, all the while neglecting my duties as one humble chronicler of the PBR. It’s a tough job, but somebody has to do it.

So what’s happened in the meantime? Roll the highlights reel, please.

• Kasey Hayes proved that he did some growing up in the past couple of weeks, taking his medicine and apologizing on national television for throwing his helmet at Blind Date in Sacramento. J.W. Hart then proved that’s he is hands-down the most brilliant and sensitive commentator ever paid to warm a seat in the PBR broadcasting booth by remarking that the apology sounded “rehearsed,” which I think he meant as an insult because of course if he, J.W., had ever been called upon to make a public apology, he would have just winged it and it would have come out so much better. Good going, Kasey. Do me a favor and tell people like J.W. to just go take a flying fuck at a rolling donut.
• Pandora’s Box, Avalanche, Blizzard, and Nervous Waters all proved they still have the goods, and Commotion, Silver Wings, and Jacob’s Pet all proved they’ve earned their spots in the BFTS, and a whole bunch of other bulls proved they need to mosey on down to Burger King and put us all out of our misery.
• The judges proved once again that the work they do is strange and wondrous, and pretty much incomprehensible to anybody who hasn’t ingested a whole lot of Jack Daniels, and possibly a whole lot of crack, well in advance of the event. How else to explain who gets a reride and who doesn’t? How else to explain the one judge who consistently marks everybody, man or bull, at least a point lower than the rest of the judges do? Did he just get up on the wrong side of the chute that day?
• Brendon Clark proved he can ride with a torn groin and manage to not pass out or throw up on Leah Garcia after the ride, and I proved that his toughness made absolutely no impression on me. Likewise Kody Lohstroh, who for some reason leaves me cold. Frankly I wouldn’t even notice if they both took off for Adelaide, never to return.
• Little Ryan Dirteater proved that he belongs on the BFTS tour, winning the event nearly four points ahead of J.B. Mauney, and Chris Shivers proved that you can teach an old dog new tricks, tying the first night with Dirteater while wearing his spiffy new helmet. Welcome to the winner’s circle, Ryan! Good to see you back there, Chris!
• Tom Teague proved he believes Bones is the greatest bull on tour at the moment, challenging Guilherme Marchi to a $20,000 shoot-out in Winston-Salem next week, and Marchi proved he has guts by immediately accepting the challenge. J.W. then proved that he apparently doesn’t know of any left-handed riders besides the old-timers who were riding when he was on tour. Hart stated that Marchi won’t ride Bones because the Brazilian is right-handed, and he then went on to predict that Kody Lohstroh, J.B. Mauney, or Wiley Petersen will ride Bones first, because they’re all southpaws. Or maybe it’s just because those are the only people he bothers to pay any attention to.
• Twelve riders proved they need to sharpen up their bull-riding skills by getting cut from the BFTS after Dallas. Those listed as being cut include Harve Stewart, Reese Cates, Pistol Robinson, Clayton Williams, L.J. Jenkins, Vince Northrop, Clayton Foltyn, Dustin Hall, Aaron Roy, Colby Yates, D.J. Domangue, and Ednei Caminhas. The latter won’t leave the tour, however, being grandfathered in by virtue of his world championship in 2001, and Brian Canter, who hasn’t ridden squat since he got hurt in California last summer, also managed to avoid getting the heave-ho because of his winnings on the Challenger circuit. I hereby volunteer to help Stewart, Hall, Williams, Northrup, Foltyn, and Caminhas pack up their bull ropes, and I’ll even put them in limos headed for the little bull-rider’s retirement home. The jury’s still out on the rest. Certainly I think Reese Cates and Aaron Roy have the talent and tenacity to make it back to the big leagues.
• Finally, my loyal readers proved that they are probably the smartest and funniest bunch of bull-riding fans on the planet by skewering Mr. Flint Rasmussen for calling those who aren’t buying the products manufactured by the PBR’s sponsors “stupid.” Flint’s entreating us to support the sponsors reminds me of a similar situation several years ago, a few days right after the worst terrorist attack ever on American soil, when our former president sent us out into the streets to defy the terrorists by going shopping. At least some portion of the economic trouble we presently find ourselves in has been brought on by our national disinclination to live within our means, and I’m pretty sure that asking us to buy more stuff we probably don’t need and most likely can’t afford isn’t going to help anymore than it did the first time around. So, no thanks, Flint. And you better think twice about calling people “stupid.” In the end, one way or another, it’s the PBR fans who pay your salary. I think it’s safe to say that if we quit showing up, the lights will quit coming on. I also think it’s safe to say we all know who has truly proven himself stupid this week.